Identity (3)

I wasn’t lucky.

The timing wasn’t right.

If this was truly a predetermined course, as if deliberately scripted, I would hate to accept it.

My wrists still hurt because of the jingling handcuffs. For the first time, I felt the powerlessness of her delicate touch.

And this situation of being led by Erica.

The handcuffs connecting us started to strongly drag my arm by her hand pulling them.

So I resisted.

I rebelled while kneeling on the floor. I threw a tantrum and protested.

“Follow me.”

“I don’t want to.”

Erica ran a hand over her face.

Her other hand was still exerting force, trying to pull me as I was resisting on the floor.

“It hurts, you know. If you’ve been caught lying to me, can’t you just obediently listen?”

“I’m telling you it doesn’t hurt. You’re really misunderstanding. You look out of it right now, just stop for a moment and listen to me. Okay?”

So.

I could have gently removed her hand using magic, but I didn’t.

I couldn’t. Because Erica didn’t do that either.

Consideration for each other and coercion towards each other started to subtly intersect.

“No. There’s no point in listening anyway, you’ll just try to deceive me with sweet talk.”

“No, no. This time it’s real. I’m telling you it’s not a lie. I’ve never lied in the first place. I haven’t.”

“Even if you’ve never lied before, I can’t trust you. Think about what you’ve done so far.”

Even if I shook my head vigorously to express my refusal perfectly, it didn’t make a meaningful impact. So I hurriedly pressed my cheek against the back of her hand and rubbed it slightly.

It had an effect.

Erica flinched for a moment and then let go of the hand holding the handcuffs with a faint sigh.

“…Now is not the time to joke around.”

“Then when is it?”

“I’m now… ugh. Really.”

It was an unsatisfied expression.

I sat in the chair that was placed. My knees were still cold.

“How are you going to explain? You can see the blood stains on your clothes now, right?”

“It’s a natural phenomenon.”

“What?”

“A vampire species bleeds. This isn’t something to be concerned about. It’s natural. It’s natural.”

Erica was silent for a moment.

“Is it this severe?”

Following her gesture, I lowered my gaze. Red droplets were starting to slowly soak the floor.

“This has never happened before. How many times have I seen you?”

Since I started outdoor activities, my body has been more stimulated, so that statement is also correct.

“Ah, there was. That time at home. What? Then you didn’t get better. It’s a lie after all.”

“It is true that I got better. But today was a bit different from usual. I used my body a bit recklessly.”

“What? Without my permission…”

“You stabbed me with a knife at the dessert shop.”

Silence fell. Erica was startled.

“How much did it hurt then. Yeah, I almost died. It really felt like my skin was being crushed. Thinking about it now, it seems to hurt even more.”

Erica hesitated. She twisted her side hair and closed her mouth.

It was an opportunity. I decided to brainwash myself a bit more. Saying that all the bleeding was because of that.

“Ah, that’s right. Yeah! It’s all Erica’s fault! Bad Erica. Wow. You really went too far.”

“…Is it really because of that?”

I nodded vigorously. And I raised my finger.

“Apologize.”

“What?”

“I said apologize.”

It was then that Erica started to hesitate.

This is going well.

“What was it again? Kneeling politely, reciting what you did wrong, while watching my reaction. You said that, right?”

“Ah, no. This isn’t it.”

“I’ve always wanted to see you kneel once. This is perfect.”

She let out a small sigh. Her gaze wandered here and there before fixing on me.

I needed to push more.

“My stomach, I think my stomach hurts. My chest too… I’m just going to cry here.”

“Does, does it hurt that much? Let me see.”

“Wait, wait a moment.”

Two hands grabbed my clothes. I tried to push them away, but the handcuffs interfered with my actions again.

My clothes were opened. My chest and abdomen were slightly exposed.

“What?”

It was cleanly healed. There were no wounds or blood stains visible on the skin.

“It’s all healed.”

“Uh, ah. That, that’s right.”

What do I do?

What should I do?

What do you mean, what should I do?

It’s already over.

The plan that was the last resort has crumbled and what’s left is.

You should have deceived her better.

You should have just cried and clung to her saying it hurts.

Why did you try to hide it?

There was no need for that.

How perfect would the ending have been if you had acted like a child and completely depended on her?

But that doesn’t solve something fundamental.

The world doesn’t brighten and I’m not saved.

“That, that’s because of the aftereffects, the aftereffects…”

“Aureli.”

The two chairs were pushed together. The hand that came closer slightly stroked my head and embraced me.

“I don’t intend to dig so persistently that you’ll hate it. So I’ll ask for the last time.”

Ah, so above all, because the reassuring voice echoed in my ears.

I.

I, so.

So this miserable fate.

“Are you really sure it doesn’t hurt?”

Tell the truth.

Say it hurts.

Say it’s hard.

Confess everything.

Say you’re sorry for lying.

Say you’re sorry for trying to deceive her by mixing in your meager pride.

Apologize politely for making her hate you, for interfering with her daily life, for making her suffer because of your existence.

Kneel on the asphalt until your bones swell, cry out while rubbing your palms together.

Bang your head until your brain bursts.

And say you’ll live atoning.

Why did you approach her?

That wasn’t the best way.

Every moment you kept talking about plans, plans, but what you actually did was getting closer to her.

You know?

I know.

Did you want to be with Erica?

Yes.

Well, sure. She’s pretty. She’s righteous. Her eyes are warm.

But look at yourself.

Do you match?

No.

Confess everything.

First, open those lips that seem like they’ll make you nauseous.

While watching her reactions so as not to upset her at all, say that you’re actually in so much pain that you want to die.

You can do this, right? You just have to say it. You just have to make a sound. It might be unpleasant to hear, but.

“Ah, uh.”

Depend.

Be embraced.

And cry.

Weakly.

Desperately.

The final act is set.

The path you set doesn’t crumble.

Then.

What on earth have you been living this life that doesn’t need to be lived for?

It was a relationship that didn’t need to be approached.

There was no need to show kindness.

Did you want love?

It wasn’t that either.

Was it for a relationship to get close to?

It wasn’t that either.

It was just useless behavior.

Volunteering for actions that had no meaning, just to mess up the plan.

Not knowing that you were wasting a lot of things yourself.

You troubled her.

Without achieving the fruits of your efforts, you only sought pleasure and amusement from her.

Even when your cheek was slapped and your skin was torn by a knife, you still didn’t repent your sins.

You need to atone.

Stop it.

Stop thinking.

Even at this moment, time is flowing and she’s waiting for you to open your mouth for such a pitiful you.

It’s simple.

You just have to ask for forgiveness.

For your sins.

The brain that wasn’t rotating was hard to handle. It was so stiff and hard that I wanted to tear it apart.

Now, first gently remove her who is carefully embracing you.

I pushed her slightly.

And kneel down.

The floor was cold.

Bow your head. Open your mouth, spit out the words.

“I’m sorry.”

Once more.

“I’m sorry.”

Your sincerity can’t be heard.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me. I’m sorry for making you worry. I’ll die. I’ll just die.”

I feel nauseous.

“I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry for throwing tantrums. I’m sorry for being forceful.”

Spit out more. Vomit it out.

“I, I won’t do it again in the future. I’ll always watch your reactions and ac, act…”

Let’s get back to the main point. You have something to say, right?

“Actually, actually, my body, my body… Eck, urgh.”

You can do it if you just do a little more. Look at that face that’s hardened because of you. You didn’t want that beautiful face to be stained with bewilderment, did you?

It’s simple.

You just have to recite everything about the nights you had to endure every day, the pain you faced, and this voice that’s still ringing.

From the exact date when the situation started to occur,

The academic terms for mental illness and disease,

And how you will dedicate your body to repent for your mistakes, tell everything.

Specifically.

So I opened my lips. I naturally raised my head.

Ah.

Ah.

I didn’t want you to cry. I just wanted a cold response.

It went wrong. It’s twisted.

I had to correct it.

So I squeezed out a lie.

However, this simple phrase was so short that,

With a bright expression, there was no problem in spitting it out.

“I’m… I’m fine.”

Idiot.

My vision blurs. In a corner of my mind that seems foggy, I felt a stinging sensation in my neck.

I saw a syringe fallen on the floor.

And an angry-looking face.

“Don’t think I won’t know.”

It was hard to control my body due to the overwhelming drowsiness. My body feeling like it wasn’t mine was a bonus.

The ceiling and floor swaying. And me falling.

“I will never let you go. Remember that.”

You’re really thorough. You had such a dangerous thing hidden in your bosom?

There might have been more words heard, but I quietly submitted to the fading consciousness.

I didn’t want to think about anything.