Impulse and Correction (3)

After uttering her name countless times. And after hearing her brief response to me.

When I raised my head, Erica was still focusing on drinking water with a coy expression, as if she still held the initiative in the conversation.

Still.

As if to say she wouldn’t indulge my whims until I yielded to her will.

Not knowing what to say, I could only move my lips slightly.

Her gaze fled from me.

Ah.

How pitiful.

Her love.

Her attention.

I wish she would focus on me. I wish she would slap my cheeks with her hands and scold me. I wish she would bind my unresisting body with ropes.

“We already know each other well.”

“Yes.”

“Then…”

“That’s not enough.”

Not enough, huh.

I mulled over the word.

Contrary to the thoughts in my head telling me to depend on her, my mouth still chose my meager pride.

“Even if it’s not enough, there’s nothing we can do about it. Didn’t you say relationships are about slowly seeping into each other? That it’s about getting to know each other little by little?”

“Yes. That’s how it usually is. But you and I are not like that.”

“Of course. I’m a wanted criminal, and you’re a hunter. Right. That’s right. It’s hard to even insert the word ‘each other’ between us from the start. The word ‘not enough’ too…”

“Don’t pretend you don’t know. That’s not what I’m talking about.”

Silence fell. Erica sighed.

“A situation where one side is trying to escape can’t be called a normal relationship. Unlike before.”

Our gazes met, and I avoided it.

Since when?

Until recently, I at least didn’t abandon the minimum obligations.

No,

It’s not about such obvious things.

Before talking about obligations. Before mentioning our positions of pointing swords at each other.

She was just with personal feelings…

“I’ve never tried to escape. You know me. I’ve always shown you a lot of attention.”

“You never said that.”

“…”

I should have kept my mouth shut. I shouldn’t have engaged with Erica from the start. Even if she wouldn’t look at me from then on.

I chose to resist.

“…It would be a big deal if the Association found out. A well-known Ranker smiling seductively at me, a Grade 1 wanted criminal, saying she wants to know me.”

“Is that so?”

“Of course. You’re dealing with me full of personal emotions.”

“I’ve never done that.”

Erica twisted her hair and withdrew her smile. Then she returned with a calm expression once again.

“I’m facing you for official business.”

“Don’t lie.”

Silence fell. Erica’s hand approached and tickled my hair.

“What’s wrong with an Association Ranker wanting to know about a wanted criminal?”

That’s… Of course.

That’s…

Your touch feels so good that I can’t think of anything.

“You probably don’t realize because you’ve been sticking with me, but personal feelings? I’ve never once told you that I like you or have feelings for you. You’re the one who’s courted me dozens of times.”

The hand that was pinching my ear had now moved down to my chest. And then.

Pain that made my nerves scream.

With the feeling of something rising from my esophagus, the red light I always saw spilled and spread across the table in front.

“Huk, huk…”

A drawn sword rolled on the floor.

“Don’t… lie.”

I exhaled with difficulty.

“After treating me so kindly, you say you have no feelings…?”

“Yes.”

When did she get such an impassive face? Usually…

Even when I showed signs of fatigue, she would gently smile and treat me well.

So why is she so cold now?

“You’re being overly self-conscious. Just as you tormented me. I was also playing with you. I enjoyed seeing your reactions.”

“Li, liar.”

Her touch moved away. Erica turned her gaze without any reply.

Don’t go. Be warmer to me. Hug me. Caress my cheeks like you’re looking at a baby. Gently.

Even if I resist. Forcefully.

My body hurts. Because of the sword. It stings. It’s hard to bear.

“…Liar.”

An empty voice echoed and quickly disappeared.

It was contradictory.

I, who had rejected Erica’s cozy touch, had now fallen to the level of a beast craving love after hearing a few cold words from her.

I felt my breath being cut off once more. I heard the sound of skin being crushed, then blood poured out and another sword fell.

It hurts.

Erica, who had pulled out another sword from my body without me noticing, straightened her posture and turned her head to look out the window.

Silence fell.

Only the occasional sound of my groans and blood drops hitting the floor could be heard. The cold air was a bonus. And her gaze that wouldn’t look at me.

A few seconds that felt like dozens of minutes passed. The attention was gone. The conversation, the warmth all disappeared, and only a silence sharp as a blade remained.

I looked at her pitifully, but after saying she had been playing with me, she had completely turned off her attention to me.

After opening and closing my mouth, I finally opened it.

“Why… why won’t you look at me.”

Even though you were talking to me until just now. Suddenly, really, as if you’re tormenting me. Why are you suddenly going quiet?

After tickling my hair and caressing my cheeks, why suddenly.

“Look at me. Look at me. Why.”

“I’ll pull out the remaining sword for you. There’s one left.”

“No. Don’t pull it out. I said it hurts.”

Her hand approached. Even resistance was meaningless. I shook my head from side to side and opened my mouth with an urgent voice.

“I’ll talk. I’ll tell you everything. So don’t do it. Be gentle. I don’t like pain.”

But Erica likes it.

Erica crossed her arms and started looking at me as if to say ‘go on’.

Cold sweat broke out. What should I say? I said I would reveal everything about my body, everything I’ve kept.

So where do I start, what am I in the first place? Did I know myself well enough to talk about myself?

I was anxious. Time passed.

“Haa.”

Erica sighed. My heart beat frantically. I’m sorry. I was wrong. So please don’t get angry.

“I, I don’t know what to say. Erica…”

Silence fell. Erica crossed her legs and extended her right hand.

“Chin.”

Our gazes met. I hurriedly placed my chin on the hand that had come up to me.

“That’s right.”

“He, hehe.”

I like your hand. The feeling, of being tamed.

“Shall we go slowly? It would be good to recall what we usually did together. Let’s start with the everyday things.”

“Y, yes.”

“We went to a cafe last time, right? This place is also a dessert shop, though.”

“That’s right. That’s right.”

I quietly entrusted my body to the touch that had reached my cheeks. The cold sensation felt good.

“Shall we talk about what you like, one by one?”

Ah. So.

“Actually, I used to like sweet things. In the past…”

“Yes.”

“But now I prefer bitter things. Even with coffee. And drinks too.”

“I see. Shall we talk about a few more things?”

In the basement of a house without warmth, in the dawn when I spent the night alone, in that place where no light shone, I used to pull my hair while holed up.

Because I was lonely, because I didn’t know myself properly.

Outside activities were no different. There was nothing I could do with my sickly body. When I wandered the desolate streets, avoiding people, I had to pull my hat down to avoid being discovered.

If someone were to face me, screams would erupt from everywhere and I would have to face harsh gazes.

I had doubts about life.

What can I believe in to endure each day? Can I even have the will to live when I’m always afraid?

“And, cake too, I like it as long as it’s not too sweet. But I can’t eat much.”

“You do look thinner these days.”

“Yeah…”

“And also.”

“If it’s outside, I like taking walks, and talking with you, and when you caress me, it feels like I could fly away.”

“You’re such a baby.”

What am I saying.

What am I even.

I can’t even control my own body, crying then laughing, dominated by emotions, and when I swing a knife every night, I rapidly become indifferent to mental illness.

“Yeah… I’m a baby.”

“Do you like my hand that much?”

“I do. Do it more.”

“I’m curious about something.”

Erica moved her lips.

“You know, when I went to your house last time?”

“Yeah.”

“Um, you were in a lot of pain then.”

My ear was lightly pinched, and my cheek was ravaged by her touch, and I submitted to the movement as if trying to calm me down.

“You said it doesn’t happen often.”

“Yeah…”

“Is that true?”

Ah.

Um.

What are you talking about?

When I remained silent, after a few seconds of silence, Erica opened her mouth.

“I’m not bringing this up suddenly, but sometimes you cough up blood and such.”

Ah.

There were remnants left.

Yeah.

Well, that’s true too.

Maybe it wasn’t limited to just nights.

I was always in pain, always groaning in agony.

Life was miserable.

“It’s not that I don’t believe you, just, just wondering if you’re in a lot of pain.”

“It’s okay.”

“Ah, um. If it’s something like an illness, maybe, maybe I could get some medicine for you…”

She seemed to be watching my reaction as she said this.

Even today, I’ve lost a lot of blood.

In fact, even though the sword stabbed into my body shouldn’t have caused enough blood to soak the floor, I was still spilling blood even now.

That’s the kind of body I have.

I accepted it as natural.

I always hid that fact in front of her.

However, there’s no such thing as a perfect secret.

It wouldn’t have taken long for Erica to become curious.

“If you say it’s not something I should worry about, I’ll accept that… But that’s difficult, isn’t it? Now that we’ve come this far, I think it would be good to talk about treatment.”

Ah.

That’s right.

The goal of life.

To be killed by you.

To have this sickly body destroyed, to breathe my last breath.

A smile crept onto my face at the memory that resurfaced.

Love, touch, warmth,

And daily life.

These weren’t important to me.

They were just a momentary respite to get closer to the goal.

I pushed away Erica’s hand that seemed to be trying to soothe me.

So that’s what you wanted to know.

I realized the reality.

I opened my lips.

“Now get out of the way.”

I smiled slightly.

“I’ve had enough of your hand, I don’t need it anymore.”

For a moment, silence fell.

Another sword pierced my body.

“Don’t resist.”