Sugar (4)

The glaring eyes.

The golden eyes tracing past memories momentarily showed the dream I had wished for, but the phrases uttered by the bright red lips made me realize reality.

She doesn’t like it when I’m hurt.

Haha.

It’s okay.

If I act like usual, like an idiot, I can get through this, right?

As if emotional. Like a crazy woman with loose screws.

I raised my voice and spat out simple phrases.

As if all of this felt like nothing more than a single entertainment.

“…Ah.”

I can’t assemble words.

Meaningless combinations of phrases won’t come out either.

“Ha, haha.”

The stinging sensation in my abdomen has long become familiar.

It’s strange, isn’t it?

It should hurt more and more.

Even though the pain that pierces through to my internal organs is tearing my body apart.

It seems like what’s really gripping my heart is something else.

It would be nice if I could spit out some curses.

“…..”

But I couldn’t do that.

I couldn’t do that in front of you, who looks at me with that face.

To you who scolded me not to smoke.

To you who nagged me not to pour alcohol down my throat.

Now.

Claiming the legitimacy of this broken relationship.

Telling you not to worry about me… how could I say such things… stop.

Let’s stop.

Get a grip.

I forcibly opened my trembling lips.

“I like being in pain.”

I refuted like that.

But you didn’t seem to hear.

No, it seems you didn’t try to hear.

“I like it. I like it.”

“……”

She didn’t say anything.

She didn’t even accept my forced actions trying to reconnect our relationship.

She didn’t condemn me with aloof eyes. She didn’t treat me kindly as if trying to humor me either.

“How much must it have hurt?”

She just said that.

And once again, she just looked at me without saying anything.

While slightly sobbing.

Ha.

Haha.

Weren’t we doing a hostage situation?

I should have restrained myself, I guess. I should have increased the scarcity of value by watching the timing.

Stupid.

It wouldn’t have changed even if I did that.

Even while looking at me struggling to breathe, spitting bodily fluids from my mouth with bones and flesh exposed.

She has come to embrace me without caring at all.

“No.”

I slapped my cheeks hard with both hands.

It’s too early to give up.

Let’s show emotion. Like usual.

Forced smile and all, it doesn’t matter.

You can do it, can’t you?

Pretend it’s not like this, even now.

Even now, like my usual self.

My usual self.

What is that?

A hand approached.

I remained powerless and still.

I felt a sensation in my hair.

“Don’t.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I said don’t.”

There’s no helping it.

Since it’s come to this, I’ll have to pour curses on you.

Calmly.

“Before I get angry.”

“I’ll do as I please.”

Really. You.

My hair was tickled.

It’s annoying.

Because it’s annoying.

I grabbed the blade of a small knife and stabbed it into my arm.

My blade. My skin. And my sin.

Erica knocked the knife away.

Can I not even self-harm anymore?

I opened my trembling lips again.

“I said don’t.”

I was ignored. Don’t stroke me. I’m being handled as they please.

I’ve fallen to being a doll.

Is a doll better than a beast?

Then it’s not falling, is it?

Wow!

Haha.

A doll, not even a beast!

Erica’s beloved doll!

That’s nice.

Is it nice?

As if.

Idiot.

[Enjoy the moment.]

Shut that mouth.

Can’t you see I’m being scolded by my master right now?

For the sin of not taking care of myself.

And for the sin of not maintaining a proper relationship.

[You’ve done well until now.]

“Hehe.”

It’s just the remnants of a broken relationship as always.

The words that she doesn’t like it when I’m hurt.

But I don’t know why it hits so strongly.

Did something that was piling up burst?

Or is it just because it hurts.

I don’t know.

I don’t understand.

All I could do was put up a speck of resistance with the meager self-esteem I had left.

“Go back to your original self.”

“……”

“Please.”

Why aren’t you saying anything?

“Please.”

The back of my head was grabbed. It was slightly pulled and I was embraced.

Wow.

It’s warm.

To the point where my body feels like it’s burning and melting.

“I don’t know what you’re hiding, but.”

“No. No. I won’t listen. No.”

“I’ll stay by your side.”

That’s nice.

I like it.

“Hehe. Urgh.”

I vomited blood.

Erica caught it with one hand.

Why are you drinking that?

“It’s dirty. It’s dirty. Don’t.”

“If I do this, won’t I be able to get closer to you?”

Ha. Haha.

“You, you really.”

“Yes?”

“Are a bad person.”

“Is that so?”

“You’re pretty and kind to boot. You’re incredibly strong and incredibly attractive.”

“Wow.”

“But you even have gap moe. I can’t stand your cute appearance and your face turning red. Your aloof expression makes me want to violate you.”

“Your words are harsh.”

Is that not allowed?

It’s not allowed.

That’s not a normal person, is it?

I, who aim to be a normal person, shouldn’t say such things.

Haha.

But what can I do?

I think I’m already broken.

I can’t treat you with a smile like a person, like usual.

I can’t boil up emotions.

Am I falling into the abyss again?

With an empty smile.

“You’re kind until the end.”

“I can be even kinder.”

“……”

Stop with the strange words.

“Come to think of it, I’m upset.”

“About what?”

“I’m treating you so well, but you’re only thinking about being hated by me.”

What do you want me to do?

“I’ll give you kindness to the point where your flesh tears.”

She kept touching my hair, while with her other hand she tapped on each of the sword hilts stuck in my abdomen.

“I’m going to pull them out. Tell me if it hurts.”

“It hurts.”

“I haven’t even started yet.”

…Ah.

Ugh.

Ah.

I squeezed my eyes shut. A foreign sensation violated my abdomen and chest simultaneously. Creaking. Squelching.

“…Hak.”

“You did well.”

“It hurts…”

“8 more to go.”

“I’m sorry. Don’t torment me. This is too sticky.”

“That’s what love is.”

“I don’t love.”

“I don’t love either.”

“Then why.”

“Just, because I’m upset.”

Ah.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

“Thinking this is my chance, if you handle me as you please, you’ll regret… hik, huaak.”

“That’s a typical villain’s line.”

“J-just try pulling them all out. If you pull all these out, it’s the start of another hostage situation.”

“Sure, sure.”

“You’re not listening. Hey, you really.”

Once again, with the sensation of flesh being crushed, a blood-stained sword blade was pulled out.

“You don’t need to endure anymore. An outlet is necessary.”

“I’ll make you my outlet. I’ll do as I please with you…! Ahaak. Hak.”

“That’s right. Not many left. 6?”

Six is too much. It hurts too much. I’m sorry.

This is really too cruel. Is it fun to handle me like this when I can’t resist?

“……”

Seeing the gentle smile, I just felt relieved.

It seems like it’s okay if you smile.

“Hak… hak.”

“That’s right. It’s okay. You’re doing well.”

Do you think everything will be fine if you just pat my head?

Ahaha.

What is this?

When did it become like this?

When did this relationship get reversed?

“One left. You can endure it, right?”

“Uhuhu… huk.”

“Don’t cry. You can do it. Let’s endure a little more, okay?”

Ah.

“Urgh.”

Squelch.

“Phuk.”

Gulp.

“Good job. I’ve pulled them all out. All the swords that were stuck in you.”

“Hak… hak.”

“Don’t cry.”

“Don’t look… don’t look at my face…”

“Why?”

“It’s embarrassing…”

“You’re such a baby.”

Yeah.

That happens sometimes, right?

I didn’t want to be found out.

I was afraid you’d dislike me if I showed my ugly side.

I tried hard to shout, tried hard to show emotion.

It felt good when you called me a crazy woman.

That’s still within the category of being human, right? That.

But I can’t give up like this.

Of course not.

All of my efforts to become more human-like getting crushed…

So I’ll struggle one last time.

“You! You… now! You’re in big trouble!”

I’m doing this calmly.

Raising my finger.

Slowly. Leisurely.

“From now on…! I’m going to threaten you!”

“Here we go again.”

“It’s no use pretending like nothing’s wrong!”

“Wipe your tears before talking. And we haven’t even stopped the bleeding yet.”

Ha.

Haha.

I wonder who it’s useless for.

“I understand you have high regeneration, but if we don’t do first aid now, it’ll hurt more.”

“Actually, ubbu. You know all the scary things too! Right! You know what I might, hik. do!”

I stretched my hand into the air.

Watching a huge magic circle being drawn, I nodded my head vigorously.

“Come to the church.”

“Wait, are we really going like this…?!”

Yes.

Of course.

Naturally.

Even if you’re the adult and I’m the child in the end.

Even if you pulled out all the knives.

I have to show you that I can do it, right?

Lying down on the floor and flailing about in a toy store because they won’t buy me a toy.

Well.

Something like that.

[Wipe your tears first.]

“Even you’re treating me like a child.”

I stretched out both arms, grabbed the man’s arm, and lightly slapped his cheeks.

“Wake up.”

He’s not waking up.

I think he’s fainted.

“What if he’s dead?”

[Don’t worry. He’s still breathing.]

I took a deep breath.

I straightened my back.

I looked around.

Six fallen uniforms.

“Let’s treat these people first.”

[You thought well.]

“Don’t treat me like a child.”

I put my hands together and transferred blood.

Drew a few magic circles and formulas to transfer energy.

And if you lay the unconscious bodies face down on the ground, they look like corpses.

“It hurts.”

[You should have at least gotten the bleeding stopped before coming.]

“Why are you nagging?”

[It’s your body, isn’t it?]

Yeah. That’s right.

Every time I move my limp-like legs, my whole body groans and squeezes out blood.

The wounds on my abdomen and chest are especially severe. When did I pull out all the bullets?

Shouldn’t I finish at least some basic treatment before Erica comes?

The interior is dark. The floor looks murky and dirty.

But the red moonlight shining through the small square window is bright.

I walked to where the light falls, stood still.

I closed my eyes calmly.

Soon after, I heard the presence of someone approaching.