Light (15)

If there’s something I wish for.

I wanted to stand in front of people as my whole self, just as I am.

I wanted to greet neighbors near my home, strike up conversations and become friends.

I also dreamed of such an ordinary life, walking through bustling streets, sightseeing in the city center, and frequenting many places.

I couldn’t do that.

Of course.

Everyone was busy fleeing in terror when they saw me.

I was infamous in a not-so-good way, and they were just kind and powerless citizens.

The beings that confronted me donned magical uniforms and drew out brilliant weapons before me.

Contempt as if seeing something evil, and fear, tension, dread always accompanied them.

If I closed my eyes for a moment and opened them, all those many things were already buried in the ground.

Magical beasts and monsters adorned the bodies of corpses, and the scent of life disappeared from the area.

And I, sitting in the center of it all, screamed, howled, and cried miserably.

Blaming my own incompetence, unable to do this or that due to mental illness.

Really, really like an idiot.

I’ve tried to die before. I was stabbed by knives and pierced through the heart hundreds of millions of times. I twisted my body and exposed myself to bullets.

Nothing changed except for adapting to the pain.

Nothing.

In the cool night heading towards midnight, I once again grasp a knife.

It’s been long since my eyes became bloodshot in the face of the fate that has befallen me.

Smelling the scent of life, I chase after prey like a beast.

“Huk….. Hic, – Urgh!”

Blood gushes out of my mouth with a heave.

Rough breathing, a sticky pain echoing in my brain.

Can’t you let me go? I’ve been trying my best to hold on in my own way.

“Urp – “

Well, I guess so.

On the verge of losing consciousness with my pounding heartbeat, eventually even my gaze is captured by the man right in front of me.

My vision distorts.

Thud.

Scattered, iridescent droplets fill the space.

“Ssss…., haa.”

Craving them like a beast, I reach a moment of silence.

The thrill of regaining the warmth I so longed for, and the pleasure of escaping the desolate land weigh me down.

In contrast, screams echoing in the empty darkness.

Even that is converted into endless dopamine, coloring my brain.

All those stimuli and processes pass by in an instant within a few seconds.

And once again, emotions rushing towards the abyss color my screams.

“Ha, haha.”

Resignation and helplessness, along with a forced laugh, escape from my red mouth.

It’s been long since I lost my reason in the blurring of my familiar self.

It gets even worse at night, forcing me to release all the desires I’ve been gritting my teeth to endure during the day.

This trembling hand, this dry heaving as if about to vomit everything inside.

It all feels like it’s chipping away at my very existence.

I turn my gaze for a moment and look at the many walls surrounding me.

It’s bleak and overwhelming. As if there’s no escape anywhere, only the presence of huge buildings can be felt.

“Ha.”

With a burst of sigh, I spit out the blood filling my mouth.

Is there a need to bind myself with so many words?

Instinct, this one word should suffice.

The tragic instinct rooted in the fate of the species.

And I, who quietly follow like a slave within it, am bound by red chains all over my body.

Last week, a few days ago, yesterday, and now. Nothing has changed at all.

I follow what the blood flow commands, and resign myself to sitting on the ground.

What do you expect from someone like me?

The red sea did not answer.

“Hi, hic.”

With an empty breath, I swing the blade several times. This disgusting body of mine ostentatiously avoids this person’s vital points and inflicts lingering pain.

Holding onto this pitiful person who has become bloodied and can barely breathe properly, as I move my steps, my body reacts before I know it, and I twist my head as if wrenching it.

And a huge spear passed through where my neck was just a moment ago.

“Welcome.”

“Let that person go right now.”

Well, I should.

I quietly let go of my hands and kick the man who has fallen away from me. Then, without even looking back, I dust off my hands.

“You found me well.”

Looking around for a moment, I saw a huge blood-colored ring. Perhaps because I swung it much more strongly than usual, the aftereffects of magic power encompass the area.

And in the center of it, the faded girl was standing straight, looking at me while holding a sword.

“You were full of incomprehensible things.”

At her slightly hardened voice, I stopped moving and looked at her.

“At our first meeting, and when the Gate opened, you could have killed me if you wanted to. You drove me into a corner, but always let me go there with an incomprehensible smile.”

“…..”

“Why on earth? Did you just think of it as entertainment? A toy good for playing with?”

Interest.

It was something that had started to develop for Erica at some point.

Because she was different.

But my feelings towards her end today.

She will be thoroughly broken today.

She might even die.

I plan to use more force than usual today.

I’ll break her until she’s in tatters, screaming that it hurts, groaning in pain, and collapses while holding onto me.

I have to do that for my own benefit, and the result of that is as clear as day.

At the end of being driven to the brink, she’ll be unable to resist the endless pain and groans, and her throat will vibrate.

In the face of overwhelming power, it must inevitably be so.

Yes.

Like them, and like me.

“Of course.”

So I provoke her. I draw out her emotions and pressure her psychologically.

“It was a kind of entertainment.”

I encourage her to do her best, giving justification to actions fueled by anger.

“It was quite a sight, you glaring at me covered in blood.”

And then I drop her back into the abyss. I thoroughly trample any hint of hope so that not even a shred remains visible.

She’ll finally collapse. Of course, she must. And this principle has never changed for a single moment.

“After seeing those things begging for their lives, trembling and clutching at my pant legs…..!”

“Aureli!!”

As expected, she, distorted with anger, was truly,

beautiful.

The air currents shook and the wind blew towards me. With a shock wave, Erica leapt from the ground and raised her sword in front of me in one breath. I put the knife in my mouth and lowered my posture. The sword that was drawing a curve sliced through the air. Magic power rippled from behind and the surrounding buildings were destroyed by the sword strike.

As I raised my posture, I slashed her chest with the knife. A huge scar was engraved and red blood filled the air.

A groan rang out and her posture crumbled. In one swift motion, I turned and drove my foot into her abdomen. Following her as she was flung away, I concentrated the scattered droplets into a sickle. As I swung it widely, Erica, who had opened her eyes for a split second, raised her sword. The force was broken and the sword blade was shattered.

As I aimed the knife at her, Erica clenched her hand. A long flow formed in the air and wind was felt. A huge sword created in the sky flashed as it plummeted towards me at high speed.

I opened my wings and twisted my body. Narrowly avoiding the falling sword blade, I flapped once more and flew high into the sky. I threw the knife into the air and spun around once. The self-aware knife deeply cut my back. Blood spurted out like a fountain and gathered to form the shape of a demon holding a sickle.

Erica, who had crashed to the ground while falling, coughed and regained her posture. As she stretched her arm backwards, a spear imbued with magic power flowed into her hand.

With a distorted expression, she stretched out her hand while spitting blood. The spear rushed through space, charging towards me.

The demon swung its sickle widely while letting out an eerie cry. The spear shattered into pieces on the curve drawn by the sickle. The air distorted and a shockwave burst out. Erica was engulfed in the explosion and collided with a building wall.

The demon dissipated into blood once again and gathered in my hand. The red double-edged dagger that was created circled around me as I was falling, aiming at her. It charged diagonally and pierced Erica’s chest. As I was falling, I swung the knife relying on speed.

As my feet touched the ground, a straight line was drawn in the air. The building behind her split apart, blurring the space.

Her severed arm flew through the air.

Erica collapsed.

“Hic, huk, urp – huup.”

Completely shattered ground and cement, and sticky blood befitting it spurts out from inside her.

“Ha, hahic….., puhwaaak – “

A groan mixed with nausea and pain circles in the air before disappearing. The scent of life gradually fades, signaling death.

Magic power like a gentle breeze somehow enters the stage of stopping the bleeding, as if trying to block the red waterfall from her arm.

Of course, it’s not a level that can be easily done with just that.

Her abdomen is in tatters, severely damaged with knife marks. A long scar is engraved on her chest, spreading poison throughout her body.

And she, collapsed on the floor, can only twitch, unable to utter anything but groans.

It’s natural.

It’s the expected course.

When one reaches their limit, nothing else matters.

Things like beliefs or will, they all break, and only the instinct to live remains.

Fear and terror consume the body.

Screaming with a trembling voice while crawling, scratching the floor with nails and shedding bloody tears.

“…..”

I was interested, but I knew better than anyone that this would be the result.

Overwhelming power that can’t be approached, powerful danger that can’t be countered.

All those who stood before me ended up like this. And this girl would too.

So I couldn’t understand.

The owner of this hand that grabbed me as I was about to turn away.

The sight of this girl standing up while holding a sword, even though she’s trembling so much.

Her uniform, a bit larger than her frame, fluttered as it wrapped around her.

Her pale skin and clear, beautiful eyes remained the same.

Yes, those eyes.

Then, and now.

I couldn’t understand that color that showed itself first in front of emotions filled with blackness.

I wanted to grab her shoulders right then and ask.

You’re afraid, aren’t you? You’re scared, aren’t you? You want to give up and collapse, don’t you?

The warning signals have been ringing in her body for a long time. It would have been easier on her mind and body to faint.

It’s natural. It’s an unchanging principle.

Yet she met my eyes.

What, what on earth, created those faded eyes?

I, in my lowliness, couldn’t understand. I, in my ignorance, couldn’t accept.

“Why.”

Why on earth.

“Are you going this far?”

“Huhic.”

My voice trembled more. At her mysterious and dreamlike resonance, I dropped my knife.

“Doesn’t it hurt? Don’t you want to live? It might be better to think you’d rather die. Just crawl. Now that I don’t know, because it’s too painful and agonizing and sad, try begging me to do something, anything.”

My powerless voice echoed and disappeared.

“…How many times, are you going to say this.”

After a long groan, that voice that seemed to be muttering, no, throwing into the void, was beautiful to the point of being frightening.

“…I told you.”

“What?”

“I said… I’d kill you.”

Kill? Me?

I stood there for a long time until the blood on the ground congealed. She collapsed again after several seconds of silence, seemingly struggling even with the breath pushing into her lungs.

I should have known. No, she must have known.

It’s a fight that couldn’t be established from the start. The difference was stark, and her defeat was an inevitable fate and expected result.

Yet why?

As questions stained with blood gradually invaded my mind, she stood up once again.

Only then was I granted permission to open my trembling lips.

“Tell me.”

“…Urp, haak.”

“I said tell me.”

I grabbed her shoulders and lifted her face.

“You fought knowing you’d lose? Why? Didn’t you know? There’s no way you didn’t know. You knew. So why?”

Her tattered arm swung and her hair floated.

“Why do you stand up? You’re tired, aren’t you? You’re exhausted, aren’t you? Your head hurts and your heart hurts, doesn’t it? If you just stay still, if you just embrace the ground, I might heal you on my own, you know?”

I’m full of questions. She should collapse. She must.

Because she’s weak. It’s the natural principle for one standing before something they can’t fight against.

I’ve always been like that.

Always collapsing, always sinking. I didn’t even grasp onto anything at the edge of the deep sea.

My body, covered in instinct, obediently carried out slaughter without a chance to resist.

And fell into the abyss.

It wasn’t just me.

Those who confronted me, those who pleased me, and all the people who feared me were the same.

So I was reassured. I justified myself along with emptiness. I cried, then laughed as I soaked my body in blood.

“Urp, huk, huk.”

But still,

But still, you didn’t do that.

Even though red blood envelops and sullies your body, even with broken breathing and scars and wounds that seem about to tear.

Holding a firm sword, you start to straighten your knees that were kneeling.

“…My little sister.”

Her posture bloomed straight and her face slowly lifted.

Her beautiful skin, stained with wounds and blood, was revealed.

“…Because I have to, protect her.”

Little sister.

Her golden hair, which had been trembling finely, shone brilliantly.

White and beautiful eyes, as if carved from a gemstone, endlessly drew me in.

The greatsword was raised.

It’s beautiful.

How sublime is the sight of endlessly burning one’s body to possess something.

How elegant you are, holding a cool sword even while spitting blood.

Unlike me, who sat down and abandoned my self, swayed by instinct in the face of mental illness that strikes my body,

Unlike me, who gave up, abandoned, and surrendered,

At our first meeting, even before my blade, before the golem’s fists, and even now.

Even in the midst of distant despair, you aimed a huge sword at me while emitting brilliant light.

It’s dazzling. Almost blinding.

Sweet and ecstatic. To the point of feeling sick and wanting to vomit.

“…Ah.”

As the flashing sword finally cuts through the air and heads towards me,

Even as it tears through my clothes and pierces my skin, until it pierces my heart,

I stand still in that place, looking at you with a thrill and vow.

On the day my life ends.

Surely,

I will be killed by you.