Crossroads (4)

“Now, please close your eyes once.”

“……”

“Open them again, how does it feel?”

“It’s fine.”

How on earth did it end up like this?

My reflection in the mirror wore a dazed expression.

Color returned to my face that had looked a bit pale.

It probably wasn’t really like that. Right now, I’m in a state where vitality has been drained more than at any other moment

A woman with a bright and radiant face smiled at me silently.

A slightly eerie smile.

I hastily corrected my words.

“It, it looks pretty.”

“Yes. Then let’s go do your hair.”

“Should I follow you?”

“Yes, please come with me.”

Soft oil was applied to my hair that had only been roughly combed.

The style left freely loose doesn’t seem much different, but it felt strangely more organized than before.

So… right now, I was undergoing an unexpected makeover.

* * *

I wonder if I asked an unnecessary question.

It ended up digging into the wounds of someone who came out to comfort me.

The coffee I sipped didn’t taste that bitter.

Is unni overlapping me with her sister now?

Perhaps there’s some vicarious satisfaction mixed in the kindness she showed.

I thought about it a bit, but it didn’t seem to matter much.

“I don’t think… it’s something I should get angry about.”

“You might dislike it. Making assumptions about others on my own, and then showing kindness based on that. It’s actually rude.”

“It’s okay. It was comforting to me. You didn’t do anything bad. So just, can you hug me once?”

Elderin. No, Yuserin.

…Unni slowly pulled me in.

Arms lightly wrapped around. A chest rising with each breath.

The warmth that only humans can provide melts the chill in my bones.

Along with it, it felt like I, as a person, was also melting away.

“Just a little, just a little more. It’s warm… and nice.”

Actually, I was also using others as a substitute.

I just longed for warmth.

From the beginning, I didn’t care who it was as long as I could get what I wanted.

Someone who comes close and says nice things.

If there was such a person, my heart would have fallen quickly. warmth became too precious to me.

So if I can borrow an embrace, it’s okay to pay a bit of a high price.

Even if there are sinister intentions behind that warmth, I can turn a blind eye to some extent.

Maybe I’m an much easier person than I thought.

I pressed my body a little closer in Serin’s embrace.

It was warm indeed.

The world is already leaving spring behind, but winter hasn’t ended for me yet.

“Um… There’s something I lied about at the meetup.”

“What is it?”

“My leg. It’s not a recent injury. It’s been quite a long time. Since I couldn’t use it.”

“I knew. Everyone, including me, just pretended to be fooled.”

“Huh?”

Shocking words come out so casually.

When I looked up, I saw a face with a faint smile.

I felt foolish for thinking I had hidden it well.

I lowered my head again deeply.

“How did you know?”

“Your crutches and brace were extremely worn out. And habits? The body is surprisingly bad at lying. It also just seems like Da-eun isn’t good at lying.”

“I… didn’t pay attention to that much.”

I thought psychological warfare was my specialty.

To think I’d hear that I can’t lie to others.

Looking at my brace now, it really showed clear signs of age.

I guess I’ve been thinking of it as part of my body for so long that I wasn’t even conscious of it.

Well, it’s natural since I’ve been wearing it consistently since the accident.

Maybe I should replace it with a new one soon.

“A, anyway… I did kendo when I was young. It’s difficult now, but… I was… pretty good.”

“Yes, I’m sure you were good. I’ve seen it.”

“Even if you praise me like that, now I can’t, pfft, do anything.”

“I just said what came to mind.”

“Hehe……”

While carefully managing my expression.

I started talking.

Let’s leave out stories that would only be painful to bring up.

I just said the reason I hurt my leg was because of an accident.

Some unfortunate, unreasonable accident that the world should be ashamed of towards me.

I spoke relatively accurately about the condition of my leg.

My left leg feels like a hard, stiff rock.

It was like that in the sense that it barely moves even when I exert all my strength.

Yet, if weight was put on it wrong, or if there was an impact from outside, it hurt like death.

It was just like a cruel punishment from a malicious god.

It would have been better if there was completely no hope.

Leaving only a thread of hope felt like an intentional and cruel torture.

When the doctor recommended amputation, would it have been better if I had accepted?

Sometimes I think that – but I didn’t want to imagine deeply.

“A doctor told me before. My leg. He said it might be fixable. So I had to earn money. As you might have guessed… I earn through the game.”

“Have you thought about streaming? Is there a reason?”

“I want… to. I want to talk with people too. I’d like it if more people watched me.”

“Then…”

“I can’t do it with my connection device.”

Fidget fidget.

I fiddled with my hands unnecessarily, and when it became a bit difficult to speak, I bit my lip.

I tasted blood on the tip of my tongue.

Right. It’s something I have to say anyway.

If I wasn’t going to say this, I shouldn’t have called Elderin in the first place.

I gathered courage and started talking about my connection device.

The VR connection device for critically ill patients that my parents were making.

An item using the brain wave connection method that was abandoned due to excessive risk.

My paradise and restraint that wasn’t originally designed for gaming – so I can’t stream or do anything else.

And I.

Now I might not be able to use even that anymore.

“I, I might not be able to play the game anymore… They said employees from the game company are coming in a few days. Now, at best a few weeks? They said if it’s too dangerous after investigation, I won’t be able to connect.”

“The game company is coming?”

“Yes. They say my connection device is too dangerous. Actually, I know too. If I keep using this, there might come a day when I get hurt. But, if the connection device disappears, how should I live?”

A falling bird must have a reason.

It must have fallen because its wings were injured, or its body became unable to fly anymore.

Similarly, there are reasons for connection methods that are no longer used.

But this is all I have left.

One day I might die while playing the game.

It might be acute shock as feared, or maybe depression will overwhelm me and I’ll stab my neck.

But I will certainly die if I lose even the game.

“I don’t want to… They’ve taken everything from me. My mom, my dad, kendo, my whole life was taken away. I’ve only just managed to endure well. This is too much, isn’t it?”

“Da-eun, slowly. Calm down. Okay?”

I barely inhaled my breath that was about to become urgent. Whoosh, haah. I exhaled and breathed out calmly.

My chest finally settled down with the touch of hands hugging me tightly.

Still, I couldn’t get an answer.

I’m a girl who hasn’t learned anything.

My body isn’t whole, and I don’t know what I’m good at besides sword and games.

The only thing I have that’s somewhat useful is one thing.

That my face is pretty enough for anyone to acknowledge.

Then what should I do to save my leg?

If all I have is my looks, should I sell even this body?

There are many rich and greedy people in the world.

It was a fact that you learn at least once, whether you like it or not, when living as a ‘woman who looks unhappy’.

I would probably sell well. Maybe I’ll even receive plenty of the warmth I like.

But… it didn’t seem necessary to cling to a life sustained like that.

There would be no reason to fix my leg anymore, and I wouldn’t dream anymore.

As my mind drowns in alcohol or pleasure… won’t my body fly in the sky one day?

It would be a short but thrilling flight.

If it’s going to be like that anyway.

Rather.

“I, now I just want to d…”

Serin covered my mouth with her hand.

“Da-eun. You said you wanted to try streaming, right?”

“Yes. Bu, but not in reality…”

“You said you might not be able to play the game anymore. I can’t beat the game company for you, but there’s one thing I can properly help with. The more insurance, the better, right?”

“Huh…?”

* * *

The car drove on an empty road

I don’t know where we’re going.

But the current Elderin seemed full of enthusiasm.

Her momentum was a bit scary, so I fiddled with my fingers nervously.

“Um, I can’t stream in reality.”

“Why?”

“Why, you ask… Well, I’m not as strong as I am in the game. And I don’t know how to talk excitedly. I’m different from Gawol.”

“You are Gawol.”

“It’s a bit… different. I, well…”

My mouth naturally closed.

I’m gloomy, and full of jealousy in my heart.

To be honest, I’m jealous of you too.

I hate everyone who is happier than me, who shines more than me.

─I couldn’t say that.

Instead, I found another excuse.

“Hate. I received a lot of hate, didn’t I? Surely, I won’t be able to endure it.”

Gawol can overcome all the hatred from others.

But Han Da-eun can’t do that.

If people turn their arrows of criticism towards me – I might just die right there.

That’s scary.

My heart isn’t that strong.

“That’s right. You did make quite a few enemies here and there.”

“Right? So that’s why…”

“You gained much more popularity than that. Since you don’t seem to realize it yet, let’s get well prepared and go.”

“N-no. I’m saying I’m scared!”

“Really?”

“……”

The car stopped momentarily, halted by a traffic signal.

Serin placed her hand on top of mine.

“If you really don’t want to, I won’t force you. But I’d like you to trust unni just once. What do you want to do, Da-eun?”

“I, well…”